Here are some funny quotes about marriage! These come from a variety of sources, including ones that I have heard in wedding speeches, during ceremonies, and just in conversations at weddings. Some of these wedding quotes and sayings can even be considered wedding jokes and can be told as such. The bottom line is, these are all for fun and should not be looked on as wedding advice! Enjoy!
The bride first sees the aisle, then the altar, then him…The wife sees the same thing: I’ll alter him.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
When I got married I told the wife I make all the big decisions and she can make all the little decisions. It’s been 20 years and we have yet to make a big decision.
- The above is one of those funny wedding quotes that came directly from a father of the bride speech. He was Chinese (and probably still is!) and said it in broken English–and it was a huge success! I’m sure an interesting conversation could be heard during their dances to the father and daughter wedding songs!
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
- You might not find all of these marriage quotes funny, but understand many are classics that have been around for years!
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper (or put down the lap top) to talk to you.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
A marriage license is a license which allows a woman to drive a man!
A wife’s view point! “What’s “hers is hers”! And “What’s yours is hers also”!
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.
Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!
Remember–you can either be happy or RIGHT.
Marriage is when a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
One day the thunderbolt will hit you, and if you survive that you’ll make the dumb mistake of getting married.
Behind every successful wife, stands a surprised mother in law.
The only moment that my wife listens to me is when I’m talking in my sleep.
Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. Albert Einstein
When I married Ms Right, I didn’t know her first name was “Always” !
It seems like I was only married yesterday. If it was tomorrow I would cancel it.
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life… wives want both!
My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Contradictions: Found missing, Fully empty, Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Happily married
Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.
I truly hope you found these funny quotes on marriage humorous, enlightening, and hilarious. I’ll be adding more over time as they come in. If you have your own funny quotes about weddings and marriage, be sure to add them in the comments section below! I’m looking forward to hearing them!